From Wake Up America, Good News From Iraq #7:

98% of the children in Iraq are not vaccinated against polio, 4,500 schools have been built or refurbished and over 8,000,000 textbooks have been handed out by coalition forces, 19,000 Iraqi have been trained to protect their citizens and 18,000 border patrol have been trained, all Iraqi’s, 33,000 new businesses have been started in Iraq also… Then we have the fact that 25% of the Iraqi Parliament is made up of women…

This is why it’s critical that we stay in Iraq.

98% of the students have not been vacized. If we don’t contain these kids until they get their shots Bird Flu will be the least of our worries as contaminated Iraqi kids travel the globe spreading polio and malaria.

4,500 Schools have been remodeled using funding we provided for education. I’m sure all those Iraqi kids will put how nice their classroom was on their resume. Call me old fashioned, but Abe Lincoln did a pretty good job without a fancy school, I’m sure the Iraqis can do just as well. Maybe they don’t have the nicest schools in the world, but unless we stay there to oversee the reconstruction, more needless wastes like fancy remodel jobs are sure to eat up all the funds we send them. As a result of this gross misuse of funds, our fighting men and women have been reduced to delivery people, handing out almost 8 million books by hand. It’s no wonder we’re not killing more Iraqis, we’re too busy giving them stuff to read.

18,000 new border patrol agents are being trained in Iraq. Once we’ve trained them, we can bring them back here. The Mexicans will have no idea what hit them when nearly 20,000 Iraqis show up to push them back over the border. Since it’s all happening over there, they can’t even develop strategies to circumvent the border troops, because they have no idea what their tactics are…they can’t watch them train!

33,000 new businesses have been started. This is a joke. If we don’t shut some of these down cheap labor and low prices subsadized by Al Qaeda will but thousands of American companies out of business.

25% of Iraq’s Parliament is made up of women! That’s going to have to change if they’re ever going to have stability over there. If we leave now, that number could grow. I don’t want to advocate unnecessary violence, but a few IEDs in the feminine napkin dispenser in the Iraqi parliament building’s ladies room could reduce that number to a more manageable level. You may disagree, and that’s your right.

Bush’s abstinence policy brings out the angry perverts.

It’s about time someone had the guts to stand up and say, “Hey, I don’t care how old you are, if you aren’t married, don’t have sex!”

The only thing that has ever come out of sex is disease, poverty, death, pain, destruction, and children. Why does it matter if you are 12 years old or 30 years old—the results are the same. The only people who should be engaging in sexual activity are married people. Period.

Even if you don’t agree with me, you have to agree that the campaign to educate adults on abstinence is a good one. The money has to spent either way since it’s been earmarked for adult sexual education, so we either talk about how you shouldn’t have sex, or we talk about how you should have sex.

Which do you prefer?

Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sonny Bono, Crazy Cooter, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Gary Coleman, Condolessa Rice…it seems these days that if you’ve ever been on TV or in the movies, politics is the next step. Ben Affleck recently hinted at his interest in becoming a politician. Even Shaq has been deputized as a sheriff, which in most jurisdictions is an elected position.

One of the most heated gubernatorial races in the country is taking place between Charlie Christ and Jim Dave, the creator of the beloved overweight cat, Garfield.

Before you start sending me hate mail, don’t get me wrong, I love that cartoon as much as anyone. In fact, I still have a very clever 365 days of Garfield tear-off desk calender from 1988 in it’s original packaging, but does that make him the best candidate for public office? No, it just makes him a brilliant comedian and artist.
I’m not sure what else he’s done, but if the last few years have proven anything, it’s that being a Governor in Florida is about more than making old people happy—it’s also about keeping them from drowning when they don’t evacuate during Hurricanes. It’s also about keeping an eye on a 7 foot monster Sheriff who came to power without receiving so much as a single vote.
Jim, before you decide to keep going with this thing, just remember…being Governor is a full time job, even if you do hate Mondays.

I received an interesting email from someone representing the Nigerian Royal Family earlier today. Apparently not only do they think I may have some royal blood in my veins, but they are willing to pay me just to verify my lineage.

After an in-depth email conversation that ate up most of my day, I forwarded some information to the good Barrister (that’s like an attorney in Nigeria). They are going to deposit A LOT of money in my account and have asked that I use some of that money to get a DNA test and send them the results. Apparently it’s just a formality as they’ve done extensive research into the global migration of the offspring of a Nigerian King from several hundred years ago. They had difficulty finding me, so I think it’s fate that they did.

I said in an earlier post that I wanted this blog to not just inform, but also help people. Here’s another way I can use this as a tool to make the lives of my readers a little better in some way.

I guess that because of the way the Government in Nigeria controls the banks, the only way they can transfer the money is through US services like Paypal (I won’t complain, I’m sure it’s more secure than Nigeriapal) Unfortunately, Paypal has some sort of maximum transaction limit. The Barrister I spoke with asked me if I knew anyone else who could facilitate the transfer of large amounts of money and keep a healthy cut for themselves in the process.

I told him I knew “a few” people who might be able to help. If you’re intersted in making some easy money send me a message. Hurry though, the Nigerian fiscal year is different than ours he needs to move the money quickly to avoid an additional tax payment.

He is very friendly, I’m sure I’ll be posting a lot more about it after I fly out to meet the King.

Julie is an able-bodied person who has entered a Special Olympics race simply because she can’t run as well as she’d like.

The point of the Special Olympics is to give crippled and retarded people a place to run. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about giving these disadvantaged people something to do. If you can’t run as well as you’d like, keep trying, you’ll get better. Don’t enter the Special Olympics and ruin the opportunity for a kid whose only crime is being born with mental or physical problems.

Julie, this race isn’t for you. You say it’s your first race and I can understand not wanting to look like a fool, but you’ll look like a fool if you’re racing against these people anyway. Do the world a favor and either don’t enter a race, or pick a race better suited to able-bodied athletes.

Another week, another attack on a schoolhouse. This time in Pakistan. I’m not sure what’s going on in the world, but it’s pretty sad.

Turns out he wasn’t so innocent after all. A new report shows he married a potential terrorist schoolgirl and was with her and her family at the time of the abduction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was mistaken for one of our enemies and is actually being held as an insurgent by our allies in a military prison.

Homosexual-enthusiast and drug addict, Bill Maher, attended some sort of Halloween party this weekend where he cruelly besmirched the memory of one of the greatest animal-rights activists America has ever produced, Steve Irwin, who earlier this year was betrayed by the very animals he lived to protect.

He made the ultimate sacrifice for his profession, is Bill Maher prepared to do the same? I doubt it.

After you see some of the scientific evidence on this site, you can no longer make a reasonable case that Alien beings have visited Earth from numerous locations (though I’m sure some will try).

Disbelief in intergalactic travelers is one of the more infuriating things I hear since I myself have been abducted and observed on Alien spacecraft (or Alien facilities that are hidden on Earth?) When I tell people, they think I’m crazy. During one of these events my digestive system was permanently damaged, so I’m one of the more rare victims of these intrusions because I can provide proof of the event if I chose to.

Truly fascinating.

A government audit shows that 4% of US weapons brought to Iraq are missing.

“Sorry sarge, I thought I only shot 96 rounds, maybe it was 100…”

The article suggests they lost some pistols and some other guns too, but I am guessing those cave dwellers don’t even know how to load the sophisticated weaponry employed by our fighting forces. Even if the guns were loaded when they were lost, recent news stories suggest that many of them will be used by insurgents to shoot themselves in the head because they know the US of A are coming to get them. We should probably leave a few complimentary pistols around specifically for that purpose.

For the last few years all I hear about is insurgent suicide. Every day some insurgent kills himself. The liberal media likes to spin most of these as terror attacks, but the more you hear about it, the more clear it is that they are just taking their fate into their own hands because they are scared poopless that our troops are gonna get them.

The next time you hear about some “suicide bombing” read between the lines. These guys are offing themselves with the only weapons they know how to use…dynamite. If we gave them all guns, maybe we could save some collateral lives.