I’ve had the same Ford Econoline van since I moved to America. I love this van probably more than I love my wife or children…maybe not more, but certainly as much. I’ve replaced the engine twice, painted it a few times—most recently camouflage. Typically my wife works on our vans, but she’s been building a blacksmithing forge in the yard for the last few weeks and there’s a new problem with the van.

Given the gas prices recently and the fact that the liberals are unreasonably apposed to invading additional oil producing countries, I decided to do something to help the V8 get better mileage. Thinking back to previous droughts in this area I remembered a technique of inserting a brick in the tank of the toilet. Since I couldn’t figure out how to get a brick in the gas tank of the van I poured some gravel into the tank. Now the van won’t start.

Sorry to use this blog as a soap box for my personal vehicular issues…but I need to get this van going and I can’t afford to take my wife off the forge-building project until she’s finished. Is there some sort of plug in the gas tank I can unscrew and empty the gravel from the tank? Also, what should I put in the tank to accomplish this task other than gravel?

I need to get this bad boy back on the road, where he or she belongs! Even though someone in my neighborhood keeps painting “Rapist Van” over the camo (if you’re reading this, you’re in for a surprise the next time you show up to vandalize my van!)

Thank you in advance.

After a series of well-publicized spats with The View cohost Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Rosie Odonnell recognized she was no match for the well-informed conservative powerhouse and promptly quit the show to avoid further embarrassment. She has been released from her contract and has said on her blog that she will likely not speak to Hasselbeck again.

“I was really just like a foster kid for a year,” she said. “I came, you know, we considered adoption, but I didn’t really fit into the family and now it’s time for the foster kid to go back home.“

Well Rosie, if foster kids had a home…why did they ever go into foster care?

I think any sane person knows that the only reason we’ve been so focused on precision raids and smart-bomb attacks on known terrorist locations in the War on Terror is to appease the sissy liberals in Washington. These cry-babies call themselves men even though everything out of their mouth sounds like something that a woman would say! They’re worried about killing innocent Iraqi people, they’re worried about…well, I don’t really care what they’re worried about anymore, gas prices are inconveniently high. It’s time for some precision attacks on the root of the problem. Take out the terrorists before they grow into a real threat. Take them out in the schools or take them out in the testes.

Between gas prices going through the roof, American citizens living in fear awaiting the inevitable coming terror attack on our home soil, and most recently the disappearance of honey bees, it’s time to stop pretending like we don’t know how to end this once and for all. If we stop forcing our troops to track down the more dangerous older groups of terrorists and instead force them to start taking out the kids, not only will we see coalition casualties go down, but we’ll be one generation closer to peace. When those coalition casualties go down we can reallocate military doctors to perform mandatory sterilizations on enemy citizens with their newfound spare time.

This story reminded me to bring this up. Apparently the US-funded Iraqi Kindergarten classrooms are nothing more than little terror incubators.

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) — At a recent kindergarten graduation ceremony, young girls smiled behind their brightly colored princess dresses and the boys showed off their best dress shirts. They sipped on juice boxes, played on swings and jumped on and off seesaws.

It was a welcome relief from the war that surrounds them. But when these 5-year-olds spoke, it became apparent just how much the ongoing violence has affected them.

“I’m going to bomb, bomb, bomb the school with everybody in it,” said Omar Hussein, as he clutched a pink toy airplane.

At another point, a girl enthusiastically sang, “I give a knife to my father to slaughter the chicken. He gives me a machine gun and a rifle. Now, I am a soldier in the liberation army.”

It’s time to give them a taste of their own medicine. They like leaving things around that explode? Well, we’ll start putting anti-freeze in CapriSuns and leaving them around as a quenching refreshment on a hot desert-day.

Sure, nobody likes to talk about killing kids, but when you’re an occupying force, sometimes you need to do things that you don’t want to do in order to earn the admiration and respect of the locals.

Chuck Norris is too humble to admit it outright, but he and I both know the truth…and so does Jesus. In Chuck’s recent article he points out that it is he, himself, who is humble enough to be the champion. But because he is so humble, he can only give us small clues to his greatness and let us do the math ourselves.

From Chuck’s article:

So who’s the greatest?

The truth is I’m not worthy enough to answer that. But there is One who is. And His answer applies to the martial arts as well as any other field of discipline, study or work.

When an argument broke out among Jesus’ disciples as to who was the greatest, He called over a child to their sides, then replied, “Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest … those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank, and the leader should be like a servant.”

It isn’t being the greatest champion, but the greatest servant that ultimately matters. I know that might seem easy for me to say, having been a six-time world champion, but I mean it. It took me too many years to realize that it isn’t the ladders we climb but the service we offer in this life that truly makes us great.

There you have it. I couldn’t agree more.

In this article, a man has caught a fish once thought to be extinct:

AKARTA, Indonesia - An Indonesian fisherman hooked a rare coelacanth, a species once thought as extinct as dinosaurs, and briefly kept the “living fossil” alive in a quarantined pool.

Justinus Lahama caught the four-foot, 110-pound fish early Saturday off Sulawesi island near Bunaken National Marine Park, which has some of the highest marine biodiversity in the world.

This not only supports the popular creationist view that man and dinosaurs lived together, but it also helps validate most of the claims of so-called “cryptozoologists.”

I wonder what else we haven’t found…a Sasquatch, perhaps? Quite probable it would seem.

In the States, many parks now have baggies available for people to pick up their pet’s droppings from the ground—the Japanese have something similar…for babies instead of dog poo.

I don’t know if it’s the radiation in their genes, or the ill effects of repeated nun-chuck head trauma, but the Japanese are proving again that they are all insane. In this article about a father who drops his child off in a box, a dark Asian secret is revealed: That the Japs provide boxes to put babies in if you no longer want them.

If you don’t want your kids…get in line. If everyone who decided having kids was a bad idea could put them in some box, there would be nothing but boxes with kids in them everywhere you looked, as far as the eye could see. Dropping kids off in a box is child abuse. Stop the cycle of abuse and make these unwanted kids stay with their parents where they’ll receive the love and attention they need.

I haven’t had a chance to read this entire article, but apparently Congress is putting curbs on Mexican roads. I’ll come back and edit this post later when I have more time to research everything, but wanted you to see where your money is going now.

I’m sure this has something to do with sleepy latinos driving off the road because their curb feelers aren’t coming in contact with anything. Let me know your thoughts.

Very sad news today. All the major news outlets are reporting that Jerry Falwell has been found unconscious and rushed to the hospital in critical condition. I’m going to be busy today and won’t have time to post twice, so I’m going to assume that he dies.

As Falwell once said of another great man, Today “A mighty oak has fallen in God’s forest.”

The great Reverend has done everything he can here on Earth and is needed elsewhere. God bless him for his continued fight against feminism, homosexuality, and civil liberties.

We’ll miss you Jerry. Give us a hand down here when you get back to Heaven.

Creationist hero, Dr. Kent Hovind, has been placed on a 23 1/2 hour daily lockdown at a new federal facility with only a partial Bible to read. He sleeps on a concrete floor and has no interaction with other inmates.

In some ways this is probably welcome news to Dr. Hovind since prison is a well known breeding ground for homosexuality—and defecating in front of a cell mate can be awkward even if they are not gay. However, one of Dr. Hovind’s inspired pastimes while incarcerated has been to plant his inspiring seed inside of the other criminals by spreading the gospel to them. Not having any contact with them could make it difficult for him to grow his garden of truth.

Please take a moment to write to this great man and let him know that he is in your prayers. I can tell you first hand how much this small effort can mean to a prisoner who has been separated from the general population:

His new address:

Kent Hovind #06452-017
FCI Marianna
PO Box 7007
Marianna, FL. 32447
USA

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Letters and postcards can be sent. No food; no hardbound books; no CDs or DVDs; do not put “Dr.” in front of his name. All mail is opened and checked in front of guards.

I will admit that I’m not very familiar with Brazil’s Native Americans…but based on this article it would seem that their braves are just as angry as ours are.

“They’re not going to die like some endangered species without putting up a fight,” says Zelik Trajber, chief physician in the nearby Dourados reservation. “If they could organize, they’d be a serious problem.”