As most of my fellow members of ASS (Amateur Spacer Society) will attest, as soon as the incident with bediapered astronaut, Lisa Nowak, occurred—I immediately said “Suicide Mission Candidate.”

Of course I was talking about our immediate need for American astronauts willing to sacrifice their lives for the greater good, primarily the good of science and exploration. It’s been clear from the beginning that our current technologies for space travel are inadequate to support round-trip missions to the deepest corners of our solar system. Manned missions to the outer reaches of our solar system are only possible if we don’t send enough fuel and materials for a return trip. The big question has always been: “Who would we send?”

We’ve always known it should be a woman astronaut, especially during this time of war when all able-bodied men need to stay Earth-side in the event they’re needed for the war effort—either in a traditional sense, or even to drop bombs from space—but our weak-stomached society of pansies can’t take the thought of sacrificing someone for science, or anything else. Well, I believe the choice has been made for us.

Who better to send on a one way-trip to the cosmos than someone who has proven her own inability to be a productive member of society AND has all the necessary qualifications as an astronaut? Lisa Nowak is not just a qualified candidate, she’s our only hope.

I proposed at an ASS meeting a few months ago that we impregnate Nowak and send her along on her mission. The impregnation would serve to not only keep her busy during the long flight, but also to possibly help ensure the propagation of our species on other planets…as long as she has twins and they also breed when they arrive.

There are some details to work out, but it looks like the process is starting sooner than I expected. Yesterday, Orange County Circuit Court Judge Marc Lubet paved the way for her exodus by ordering her cumbersome ankle-bracelet to be removed.

Today, Texas. Tomorrow, the universe.