Call me Ishmael, but I hate whales and you should too.

It seems like every day there’s a new story about another whale that was too stupid to turn around before it: A) ended up on a beach B) swam up a river too far and died. This latest story is about a California gray whale that was killed by .50 caliber machine gun fire after being harpooned by Indians. Now, I’m no friend to the Red Man as my readers will attest, but I am even less inclined to side with the ridiculous whales.

Whales are stupid and dangerous, that’s all there is to it. Unlike their distant cousins, the dolphins, whales are some of the dumbest creatures on the planet—too fat to ever make the transition to survive on land, too foolish to learn to breath underwater.

Instead of clever dolphin-like chirps and whistles, they troll through the oceans leaving a noise pollution wake of gargles, burps and fart noises for miles that threatens national security by interfering with the Coastal Underwater Networked Tactical Sonar. They are a drain on our resources, our budgets, our safety, our productivity, and our time.

Because they are protected they require enormous resources to manage, study, and protect. They attract hippies. They are a nuisance to the shipping industry, causing damange to thousands of ships annually. Due to their size, they are hard on the environment. They are one of the least efficient creatures in the world’s oceans consuming millions of organisms daily to sustain their own gluttonous existance.

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile, but I’m introducing a new category called “Whales” to document the problems that these retarded terrorists of the deep cause us.

Chuck Norris is, without question, the greatest living American blogger, if not the greatest American period! He can fight, he can write. His jeans are tight, and he’s always right. Say what you will about beefcake homos like Jean Claude or Segal—I don’t really care—but if you ever suggest Norris is anything short of brilliant—you and I have a serious problem.

In one of his most recent posts, Norris deftly explains the connections between hispanics (especially those who don’t speak English well), terrorist attacks on US soil (as well as their likely increase as a result of moving terror suspects to Kansas from Cuba), and the duty we owe to the families of the victims of 9/11 to send the illegals back where they came from.

Not one to simply throw out problems caused by liberals that are as simple to fix as immigration, he also lists his solutions. Well, they’re mostly Newt Gingrich’s solutions, but Chuck has conveniently listed them so they’re easy to read in one place. I suggest you go through his articles, and if you’re not already reading his site religiously, you should start.

In my house, when Chuck Norris comes on the television, we stand and solute. I would hope you start a similar tradition in your family, because, as Chuck quotes from the bible, “Like a dog that returns to its vomit [or feces] is a fool who repeats his folly.”

Don’t repeat your folly by returning to your vomit.

Idaho, long known to be one of the straightest states in the union, is home to Republican Senator, Larry Craig. Craig is the most recent conservative to be viciously targeted by homosexual liberals—apparently for conversion to the gay lifestyle.

Earlier this month while innocently making a number two in an airport restroom, the Senator is accused by a police officer of “tapping his right foot”, which is known by the gays “as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.” The report also claims that Craig “touched the officer’s foot with his foot” and “proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times,”

My question is this: How would this officer know what the gay signals are, unless he himself is a gay? And if he is a gay, how can he be trusted to enforce the law, after he himself has likely broken many of Idaho’s tight sodomy laws?

Many teenagers who grew up in the age of The Village People went into law enforcement and construction (probably some Indians too) as a way to live out their vacant lives in character as their favorite homosexual role model. It’s no surprise to me to hear that a police officer knows the detailed secret gestures known by the gays, myself, and very few others.

This officer sounds like a man with an agenda—or perhaps a bruised ego after being rejected in an airport bathroom by a certain senator?

Either way, this is the most preposterous allegation I’ve read in some time. Despite several previous attempts by others to besmirch Craig’s reputation by making claims about his propensity to participate in homosexual activities with male senatorial pages, indulge in occasional cocaine use, and even engage in as many as four previous sexual escapades—some even in other bathrooms—notably, in Washington’s Union Station—his sexuality is well documented by his voting record against the homos.

God bless Senator Craig and the work he’s done in service to his country. Shame on gay police officers for turning what Craig himself has explained to be his “wide stance” while defecating, into a clearly subjective invitation to participate in gay sex.

I might also question the mindset of any officer who would consider participating in such activities immediately following the evacuation of one’s bowel. I think his badge should be taken and he should be monitored with an ankle bracelet to ensure he does not enter any public restroom facilities in the future.

Sorry I’ve been so scarce lately, I’ve been planning my study trip to India to research the incredible rise in local big foot sightings. I’ve also been suffering from some new problems related to my digestive system—more specifically, my sphincter.

As I’ve said before, when you’re a sasquatch hunter, you must go where there are sasquae. Lately, sighting have been picking up for the creature around Bangladesh, which I’ve learned is somehow surrounded by India. I’ll be headed there soon to get to the bottom of this and hopefully kill one.

I watch enough television to know that child-laziness is not something that is only happening in America. Here’s an article about a 5 year old boy in India who was stopped by a police force from walking 6 miles a day! I guess they’d prefer he be inside playing video games or watching cartoons.

BHUBANESHWAR, India (AP) — Police stopped a 5-year-old boy from setting off on a 60-mile walk in scorching heat across eastern India on Wednesday, citing a government order that labeled an earlier such stunt as “torture.”

Dozens of police officers blocked a road in Bhunbaneshwar, Orissa state, preventing Budhia Singh from beginning his 10-day trek to Calcutta, the capital of West Bengal. Singh ran a 40-mile marathon in the same state last year.

I will admit that I’m not very familiar with Brazil’s Native Americans…but based on this article it would seem that their braves are just as angry as ours are.

“They’re not going to die like some endangered species without putting up a fight,” says Zelik Trajber, chief physician in the nearby Dourados reservation. “If they could organize, they’d be a serious problem.”

I don’t remember everything from my time growing up in communist Russia, but I do remember a saying we had there:

Русский медведь имеет большие шарики. Вы имеете малые, слабые шарики которые пахнут неудачей.

It doesn’t translate very elegantly to English, but it basically says, “The great bear looks out for no beast but himself. The other beasts must be vigilant in watching out for the bear without losing their suspicion of one other.”

It became a slogan for productivity in the white factories. The slogan was created to embolden the Caucasian workforce by simply reminding them of their dominant position in the Russian society. The slogan means that whites only need to hold back the minorities, but the minorities not only have to try and hold back other minority groups, but also rise up against the whites. It sounds racist, but it really isn’t when put into the cultural context because in Russia minorities are not the equals of the whites.

When I read this article about the Indians applying their war paint once again, this time against their old slaves, the first thing I thought of was that old Russian saying and the lessons I learned as a boy about minorities. The fear in Russia was always that the minority groups would stop considering themselves as separate from each other, and just view themselves as all the same, like we did. In doing so they could have joined forces and become a formidable adversary withing the community.

Things aren’t so different here. For hundreds of years the Indian has envied the white man’s strength. Ironically, the very tribes that many western cowboys considered to be savages became know as “The Five Civilized Tribes” because of their adoption of many of the white man’s civilized practices, like slavery. Black slaves were taken by these Indian tribes and used to assemble TeePees and do other laborious tasks.

Like many minority groups throughout history, the natives became frustrated at their inability to compete with the successes of the white man. Eventually they took their slaves and squaws and moved to secluded areas around the country hoping to start new lives for themselves far away from we pale faces. Things didn’t work out as well as they’d planned and the white man had to provide financial support to the various tribes for generations. To this day we still are paying welfare to the Indian tribes instead of using the money to buy more weapons to fight the war on terror.

The money sent to the tribes is divided between the braves and other Indians. Unfortunately, most of them spend it on alcohol. Some of the older and wiser Indian chiefs invested the money in things like casinos, fireworks stands, and discount cigarette retail outlets. This provided a steady income and many Indians were able to live a life they’d never dreamed of. They forgot their old ways of scalping and savagery, and they embraced many of the luxuries the white man had tried to share with them throughout history. Rather than trading for their blankets or beads, they were now able to simply purchase the things they needed.

Things went well like this until they decided that they no longer needed slaves. Now that they had money, they could hire inexpensive laborers to do the tasks previously reserved for their slaves. They released the slaves, and since many of them had become friends, they were welcomed back into their tribes as honorary Indians. They were allowed to take a cut of the welfare money being sent by our government and they also were given small claims to the revenue generated by the various native ventures. The former slaves were by no means as rich as their former owners, but with the availability of inexpensive cigarettes and fireworks on the reservations, they were able to sustain life quite comfortably—especially compared to the time they spent chained up building wigwams.

Time passed and the Indian chiefs decided that they wanted more money. Since the casinos and fireworks businesses were operating at maximum levels, the only place they could increase their margins was by cutting expenses. They considered telling the blacks that they were slaves again, but they had concern that the Government checks would stop coming if they participated in human slavery so soon after freeing the slaves. The only other solution was to kick all the black out of their tribe. Which is what they just voted to do.

Why does any of this matter? Well, for white people it really doesn’t. But I do find it interesting that in a world where stereotypes have become such an unacceptable form of personal judgement, we still find Indians giving something away and then taking it back.

In Russia, we also had a name for this. It was called: Индийский Датель

I’m not much of a geek, but I thought this was an interesting story. At this point we’ve all heard about the $100 computer being produced for developing countries. The plan is to provide cheap computers to countries whose population is suffering from ailments like AIDs, starvation, and homosexuality, and give them the tools they need to get online and learn the truths about their condition and how they can begin working to feed themselves and hopefully cure their various diseases.

Clearly nobody thought this untapped market was viable to profit from…until now. Microsoft and Apple may not have seen green in the land of the brown, but one software company did. The operating system that will run the new machines is being produced by Novell, a pioneer in computer networking…but a newcomer to the OS world. If this project is as successful as I expect it to be, I wouldn’t doubt if Novell becomes the dominant OS provider in the world by the end of the century.

This is somewhat exciting for me as Novell is a company whose headquarters is not far from my home. It’s nice to see some locals participating in such a neat project. Kudos guys.

This article, about a Manatee that swam over 700 miles away from it’s usual stomping grounds, got me thinking about how we protect endangered species. It seems to me that if we defined certain areas as “protected” and any animals that left those areas could be freely hunted, it would remove a lot of the guess work about which animals were endangered and which weren’t.

This plan would also provide some unique hunting experiences that would not be available otherwise. If we created protected habitats in some of the more depressed areas of the country and then surrounded them with hunting areas, it would encourage tourism and boost the local economy.

I know similar initiatives were successfully undertaken when relocating native americans to indian reservations, but I am unaware of anything like this being proposed for animals. If anyone has any links to similar plans, please post them in the comments.

Construction at Ground Zero will continue despite the recent human remains they’ve found. I assume that if they found some american indian teepee with the remains of a few braves, the entire project would be put on hold until the Discovery Channel had a chance to do a documentary on the finding.

Sorry terror victims, we can’t stop progress unless you’re wearing war paint.