Call me Ishmael, but I hate whales and you should too.

It seems like every day there’s a new story about another whale that was too stupid to turn around before it: A) ended up on a beach B) swam up a river too far and died. This latest story is about a California gray whale that was killed by .50 caliber machine gun fire after being harpooned by Indians. Now, I’m no friend to the Red Man as my readers will attest, but I am even less inclined to side with the ridiculous whales.

Whales are stupid and dangerous, that’s all there is to it. Unlike their distant cousins, the dolphins, whales are some of the dumbest creatures on the planet—too fat to ever make the transition to survive on land, too foolish to learn to breath underwater.

Instead of clever dolphin-like chirps and whistles, they troll through the oceans leaving a noise pollution wake of gargles, burps and fart noises for miles that threatens national security by interfering with the Coastal Underwater Networked Tactical Sonar. They are a drain on our resources, our budgets, our safety, our productivity, and our time.

Because they are protected they require enormous resources to manage, study, and protect. They attract hippies. They are a nuisance to the shipping industry, causing damange to thousands of ships annually. Due to their size, they are hard on the environment. They are one of the least efficient creatures in the world’s oceans consuming millions of organisms daily to sustain their own gluttonous existance.

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile, but I’m introducing a new category called “Whales” to document the problems that these retarded terrorists of the deep cause us.