Go out to your garage and take a look at the layout of your brake and gas pedals. The brake pedal is higher than the gas pedal. To apply the brakes, you need to first lift your foot, and then push it down. If you are traveling 80 MPH, your vehicle is covering over 100 feet per second. If it takes you half a second to lift your foot and and apply the brakes, that means you’ve covered an extra 50 feet.

In an emergency situation, this could be deadly.

Let’s say you’re traveling through a school zone at 80 MPH, the different heights of your pedals could easily mean the difference between killing nobody and killing dozens of children and possibly a crossing guard.

There are really only three possible reasons for this design flaw, and I think there is probably a little truth in each:

1. Overpopulation. No political candidate can win an election taking a stand against people reproducing too often, this seems like a convenient way to thin the heard.

2. Product replacement. Detroit knows that if you can’t hit your brakes before you slam into a wall, you’ll need to buy a new car.

3. Jews. Cheap Jews controlling the finances of the car industry refuse to pay just a little more in material costs to make the gas pedal higher.

If you’re smart, like me, you’ll put a block on your gas pedal to make it taller.

As most of my fellow members of ASS (Amateur Spacer Society) will attest, as soon as the incident with bediapered astronaut, Lisa Nowak, occurred—I immediately said “Suicide Mission Candidate.”

Of course I was talking about our immediate need for American astronauts willing to sacrifice their lives for the greater good, primarily the good of science and exploration. It’s been clear from the beginning that our current technologies for space travel are inadequate to support round-trip missions to the deepest corners of our solar system. Manned missions to the outer reaches of our solar system are only possible if we don’t send enough fuel and materials for a return trip. The big question has always been: “Who would we send?”

We’ve always known it should be a woman astronaut, especially during this time of war when all able-bodied men need to stay Earth-side in the event they’re needed for the war effort—either in a traditional sense, or even to drop bombs from space—but our weak-stomached society of pansies can’t take the thought of sacrificing someone for science, or anything else. Well, I believe the choice has been made for us.

Who better to send on a one way-trip to the cosmos than someone who has proven her own inability to be a productive member of society AND has all the necessary qualifications as an astronaut? Lisa Nowak is not just a qualified candidate, she’s our only hope.

I proposed at an ASS meeting a few months ago that we impregnate Nowak and send her along on her mission. The impregnation would serve to not only keep her busy during the long flight, but also to possibly help ensure the propagation of our species on other planets…as long as she has twins and they also breed when they arrive.

There are some details to work out, but it looks like the process is starting sooner than I expected. Yesterday, Orange County Circuit Court Judge Marc Lubet paved the way for her exodus by ordering her cumbersome ankle-bracelet to be removed.

Today, Texas. Tomorrow, the universe.

One of the biggest problems facing us Pro-lifers is how ugly fetuses are. I have long held the belief that this is a large reason many pro-abortionists fear being saddled with children, they see how ugly the fetus is and panic. Another trend that appears to be on the rise is the disposal of newborn babies, either in dumpsters or designated drop-off facilities. This likely stems from the fact that newborns are not much more attractive than fetuses, typically gray and wrinkled—covered in blood, and often, their own feces. They look more alien than human (not really, aliens actually have very slender bodies, but the coloring is similar)

I’ve though that the best way to overcome this challenge is through the caricaturization of the fetus as a fun, playful, cute thing—or even an action hero. It worked during WWII when we were able to use cartoon drawings of big-toothed Chinamen to turn the world against the Japanese. After the war we saw a world vacant of such propaganda and perceptions about the Chinese returning back to their normal state. Without the imagery of the evil Orientals, you find events occurring like Jackie Chan starring alongside an African American-colored man in a hit action movie.

The same thing can be done for the fetus that was done for the Orientals…only the other way around. We can introduce the fetus as a Saturday-morning cartoon action-hero for boys, or even a cuddly plaything for girls. For adults, things are already on the move. This Fox News article tells the tail of the first socially-networked fetus, “Bubba.”

Now I don’t know much more about Social Networking sites than I’ve learned from being on MySpace, but I do know that if little Bubba ever gets evacuated from his current environment, there are going to be a lot of angry private message being sent by his network of friends. Perhaps if more fetuses had a web presence it would help us keep track of them, and help their mothers think twice before terminating a pregnancy. After all, it’s one thing to make a quick trip to a clinic…it’s something else to have to answer 100 angry e-mails and delete an account.

I’ve had the same Ford Econoline van since I moved to America. I love this van probably more than I love my wife or children…maybe not more, but certainly as much. I’ve replaced the engine twice, painted it a few times—most recently camouflage. Typically my wife works on our vans, but she’s been building a blacksmithing forge in the yard for the last few weeks and there’s a new problem with the van.

Given the gas prices recently and the fact that the liberals are unreasonably apposed to invading additional oil producing countries, I decided to do something to help the V8 get better mileage. Thinking back to previous droughts in this area I remembered a technique of inserting a brick in the tank of the toilet. Since I couldn’t figure out how to get a brick in the gas tank of the van I poured some gravel into the tank. Now the van won’t start.

Sorry to use this blog as a soap box for my personal vehicular issues…but I need to get this van going and I can’t afford to take my wife off the forge-building project until she’s finished. Is there some sort of plug in the gas tank I can unscrew and empty the gravel from the tank? Also, what should I put in the tank to accomplish this task other than gravel?

I need to get this bad boy back on the road, where he or she belongs! Even though someone in my neighborhood keeps painting “Rapist Van” over the camo (if you’re reading this, you’re in for a surprise the next time you show up to vandalize my van!)

Thank you in advance.

I’ve been accused of many things in my life, but not recognizing potential threats early is not one of them.

I’ll get right to it. I’m calling on everyone who reads this blog to boycott the iRobot Corporation by not purchasing any more of their products. If you own one of their products currently, I implore you to destroy it.

Anyone who is familiar with the lessons learned by the 12 Colonies of Kobol, will certainly recognize that any advances we make in technology solely for the purpose of making our own lives easier (especially with the help of robots) brings us one step closer to a technological singularity, and inevitably, one step closer to disaster.

I’ve watched for a few years as iRobot released numerous domestic robotic devices, each more advanced than the last. I’ve followed their progress in the industrial and government arenas as well. How long before these divisions merge into one? Not long I suspect.

Until now I’ve been confident that their efforts were no more sinister (intentionally, or otherwise) than any other developer of robotics. With the release of their newest product, the Verro, an advanced consumer device with underwater deployment capabilities, they have (unknowingly?) gone too far.

Though I’ve never published my plans for escaping the inevitable hostile robotic singularity event, I assumed the best chance we had to survive would be to move the entire remaining human population into underwater cities. Robots are largely composed of metal and would not survive long in that environment before rusting. Besides the likely corrosion and oxidization that would occur, many of their electronic components would not perform well underwater.

Unfortunately, iRobot has taken the first steps to making our last safe haven, not very safe at all. The new product gives consumers and competitors access to a relatively inexpensive test platform to develop new underwater robotic technology. It also creates a new category of robotics that will quickly be perverted and expanded if we don’t act now.

Please, take a moment and think about what is at stake here—pool cleaning seems safe, and other than a few drownings, it really has been. But it’s important to remember that cleaning pools is just the beginning. With their first underwater device, iRobot has taken away one of the few remaining exploitable weaknesses to robots that we had.

Please help spread the word.

Michael Jackson is exploring the creation of a desert-wandering 50 foot robot made in his likeness. The monster would shoot laser beams and wander through the deserts outside of Las Vegas. I’m sure we’ll hear more about this in the coming weeks and months, but I would like to put a quick warning out to anyone in Jackson’s camp who is reading this:

Please be sure this thing could never be “hijacked” and used against us!

So far the plan is to make sure it’s the first thing people see when they fly in to Las Vegas…let’s make sure it’s not the last.

First off, France opened up all of their secret UFO files and then their web site crashed. I’ve been in contact with French authorities and recommended that they carefully scrutinize the cause of their system failure. It’s possible that forces are at work that do not wish for this information to be made public. I won’t speculate as to whether or not those “forces” are terrestrial in nature until we have more information.

I will say I’m a bit displeased at the time it took them to release the information. I had already blogged about this back in December. I’m guessing they may have had more to hide than I originally suspected.

As if that wasn’t enough to focus on, former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington came forward with his credible reports that he witnessed a UFO back in 1997. I took at look at some of his comments and while he didn’t claim that any abduction took place, I can tell he’s hiding something. As many of you know, I have a tale to tell when it comes to alien abduction. In the coming weeks, once the media firestorm surrounding Symington’s announcement calms a bit, I’ll be in contact with him directly to see if he’s willing to confide in me. Sometimes trauma survivors can talk to each other better than they can talk to anyone else.

Now, all of that is pretty big. But the most disturbing UFO-related event to happen this week is the mysterious death of Bob Taylor. Bob Taylor was the man focussed on during the only UFO police investigation to ever take place in Britain. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this story soon.

Aside from their assertion that the world is warming, I have never agreed with a Canadian more than I agree with 83 year old Paul Hellyer of Ottawa. He is demanding the governments of the world unite and work together to use their secret alien technologies to develop new items that don’t rely on the burning of fossil fuels.

If we were somehow able to make this happen it would really pave the way for advances in not only transportation, but also weaponry. If  we could somehow deploy troops to Iraq at the speed of light, deploy some sort of lazer or raygun weaponry, and speed them back home to spend the evening with their families I think we could solve some of the recruitment problems we currently face in the military.

I’m no computer expert, or web master, or whatever techno-name you technofiliacs like to be called these days. When it comes to technology I’ve always asked the question, “After the bombs fall, do you want to know how to build a shelter using animal hides, or do you want to know how to touch-type?”

Since I’m more likely to be doing something useful with my time, like rotating survival rations from my camo pack to my wife’s*, I’m glad that there are those who keep a close watch on technology and the threats it may bring into our lives.

My state, Utah, has long been plagued with some of the highest pornography-addition, child-pornography, date-rape, and child-molestation rates in the United States. Many locals attribute this to the Godless 30% of this state who are not members of the LDS church, but I’m more likely to blame this problem on the weak laws about morality our State has. That’s why I was pleased to see that our Governor isn’t sitting idly by while pornography ruins more lives.

I’m not entirely sure what a lot of the techno-jargon in this new law means, but I am confident that those who use their time to understand it all have come up with the best-possible solution.

*I’m starting a new page on this site dedicated to giving survival tips. You can view the beginnings of this page here.

I’ve been using personal GPS tracking for a few years to keep tabs on where my wife goes. Of course I trust her completely, but when she says she’s going to the grocery store, sometimes it’s nice to be able to check and make sure that my trust has been well-placed. I’ve installed a small device in her purse that allows me to track her movement from any internet-connected computer.

Now, before I get a million messages telling me how terrible a husband I am, let me say that she knows the device is there. We have an agreement between us that I will trust she is going where she says as long as she keeps the device in her purse. It’s worked well for us so far, and it has the added benefit of giving me peace of mind that if she’s ever killed by an assailant I won’t have to suffer through the long, drawn-out searches for her body that we keep seeing in the media. I’ll simply go to my computer and give the police her exact location. This will give our family immediate closure so we can move on with our lives.

Another use for this technology is tracking your kids in case they are abducted. A firm in Maimi has created a pair of shoes specifically for this purpose. They cost over $300 though, which doesn’t seem worth it to me.