In my life I strive for complete preparedness in every situation I encounter. Because of my Jedi realist training, I’m not content unless I am confident that I’ve thought through every eventuality and am thoroughly prepared for any possible outcome of every experience-at any time.

99% of this preparedness is mental, the other 11% is achieved through training and practice. The rest is just good luck and instinct…things that, by the grace of God, I have a surplus of.

Living such a well-prepared life might be difficult for most of you to imagine as being necessary at all, much less possible for someone like yourself. I’ve been doing it so long it’s second nature, but for those of you content to live your lives just waiting to be killed unexpectedly, the level of everyday perfection I’ve been able to accomplish must seem amazing and impossible. But if you have the ambition and desire to live a life of reactive perfection…it’s not only possible, it will probably save you or a loved one eventually.

On this blog I spend a lot of time talking about my beliefs in very non-actionable ways like “The gays could save the economy” well, that’s true as you now well know, but what does that mean when one of them tries to kill you?

Here I will give some very specific examples of seemingly small things you can do every day to begin to prepare yourself to be able to handle life’s unexpected dangers. Some of these probably belong in the survival tips section of the site, and I’ll likely add them there in the near future. For now, I’m only including seven items on this list, because while I’ll be teaching you everything you know about preparedness, it would take me a lifetime to teach you everything I know.

1. Sleep on the floor.
I never sleep in a bed. Neither should you. This luxury makes a person weak and ill-equipped to handle situations where comfortable accommodations may not be available. I began the practice because my undersized bladder makes it undesirable for me to sleep on any porous surface, but I assure you that once you’ve grown accustomed to sleeping on a floor, you will be well prepared to sleep anywhere.

2. Never wipe yourself (or allow others to wipe you).
Toilet tissue buffs and tenderizes the skin of the anus to the point where in a survival situation you wouldn’t be able to utilize natural materials like sand or bark to scrape clean. An additional benefit to wipe-avoidance is the lack of appeal your third eye will have to any potential sexual deviants who may attempt to take advantage of your poorly-surveilled backside.

3. Visualize killing everyone you meet.
The benefits to this behavior are obvious. When a cashier or member of your family eventually tries to kill you, you’ll be one step ahead and kill them first.

4. Drink poison regularly.
By ingesting small amounts of household cleaners and other deadly substances, your body will be prepared when the day comes that a coward, too afraid to face you like a man, tries to off you by tainting your food. After a heated Superbowl “discussion” with my wife some years ago she tried to poison me in my food. The joke was on her however as she didn’t know I had developed an immunity to the poison she had used. Later she stabbed me in my sleep as I slumbered on the floor, something I was not prepared to defend against at the time, but now am.

5. Never sleep around your loved ones.
They may try to stab you in your sleep.

6. Smash your head into things.
When I come home I open the front door with my chin. When I honk the horn in my van, I do it with my face. When I need to hammer a nail, I try to do it with my forehead before finishing the job with a hammer. This constant barrage of impact turns your head and face into a device that is not only capable of administering a painful blow to an opponent, but also allows you to take blunt-force trauma to the head with ease. This is a practice I learned after watching Muhammad Ali, who spent a successful career being ruthlessly pummeled until it no longer effected him.

7. Adhere a small tab of sandpaper inside your undergarments.
Over time this will desensitize your penis and allow you to last longer during sex. At first this can result in minor or major bleeding, so you should augment the sandpaper with a maxi pad.

Hopefully this set of tips will set you on the path to complete Jedi-realist preparedness.

In Paradise California the Dominguez family survived for three days in the snow after being lost in the wilderness while searching for a Christmas tree. The children wrote “Help” in the snow with their pee while the rest of the family sang and prayed in a culvert.

It would be the perfect heart-warming Christmas story if it weren’t about illegal aliens from a broken home poaching trees.

On the latest episode of the Discovery Channel’s hit series, Man vs. Wild, Bear Grylls shows us that when you run out of water in a survival situation it’s good to drink your own urine to rehydrate yourself. What he didn’t explain was that as the body becomes dehydrated the condensed urine concoction can be detrimental to your health, and in many cases it’s better to withstand the ill effects of dehydration rather to consume your own waste water. My solution to this: drink the fresh urine of those in your survival party who are well hydrated and feel that drinking urine is disgusting. Use the later to your advantage—you can directly influence others into thinking their urine IS disgusting. It’s important to remember that when you realize you’re in a survival situation you need to start telling those you’re with things like, “I’d rather die than drink pee…wouldn’t you agree?” and “Drinking your own pee is sort of gay…wouldn’t you agree?” As soon as they pee you need to find a way to discretely collect it. Tell them you’re practicing Leave No Trace guidelines and offer to “throw out” their pee for them. You could suggest they pee in your cup so you can pack the urine out. Alternately, you could tell your friends that bears will often follow the scent of urine and eat those who match the smell…again, suggest packing out the waste in your cup.

I’m almost never wrong about anything, as most of you know. But I’ve always said that when I was, I would step up and admit it. Now, I’m not wrong this time as all of the stuff that’s being mentioned here I’ve considered myself many times but chosen not to say anything about it…but since I didn’t make any of my thoughts clear on the matter, I thought I’d give credit where credit was due and repost the comments by Kiquer as a response to this thread, here for everyone to read:

Kiquer wrote:

There is not a threat of “Aliens from above” but rather from below. Man has known this for generations, and warnings have been encoded in our lexicon, from the Holy Bible to the works of H.G. Wells (who’s scientific discoveries were lightly veiled as fiction.)

It is a sign of dangerous times when we ignore the Demons Below, and instead cast our eyes skyward.

This lake was obviously pulled underground. Sub-Terrestrials normally have constant supply from underground rivers and lakes. But as Man continues to build water conservation projects, less rain will be available underground.

Expect to see more conflicts like this in the future.

He then wrote:

Kiquer wrote:

Mr. Bahl,

Why is the most obvious answer so frequently overlooked?

You yourself identified the core issue when you suggested camouflaging the major water supplies. Intellegent creatures don’t leave their precious resources out for anyone to grab. They hide them.

And then they hide with them.

A long time ago, Mesonychidae walked the surface of the Earth. The smarter of these mammals returned to the safety of the ocean. They became Dolphins. The dumb ones stayed on the surface and became Donkeys.

When Man reached sufficient intellegence he left the open grasslands for the safety of the Cave. And he didn’t come out until his weapons had sufficiently evolved.

Why is it hard to realize that another species of highly intellegent mammal also left the Earth’s surface. It made it’s home in the same place we put the President of the United States when we fear a nuclear attack. UNDERGROUND!

By mentioning your UFO research, you must be aquainted with the ever accumulating evidence regarding humanoid Greys. We know that UFOs exist, and yet curiously, when dirigibles became popular, most UFO sightings mentioned “Cigar shaped craft.” Later, when human airships became skinnned with aluminum, UFOs also took the form of aluminum covered saucers. As our technology progresses, so seemingly do the craft of the “Men from Outer Space.”

Now is it more likely that a race of extremely similar creatures - living LIGHT YEARS AWAY - just happen to match us step for step technically? Or is it more likely that the Greys have been here all along and are STEALING OUR TECHNOLOGY?

Greys abduct people, violate them anally, and then say they live an impossible distance away. Of course they do! Why is it that the only way to go where they live is to violate the Laws of Physics? Did the Good Book’s warning against the “Prince of Lies” fall upon deaf ears?

If we would only recognized that the source of trouble lies deep beneath our feet; perhaps we would band together and confront this common enemy.

Posted on 25-Jun-07 at 10:03 pm

And then this:

Kiquer wrote:

There are no philosophical tracts which espouse this so called “theory.” I am not sure why the scales have fallen from my eyes and not the eyes of others. But through the faculty of Reason, which God has granted to all Men, perhaps we can see the Truth and thus be saved.

If you want general thematic confirmation, consider comparative religious studies. IN ALL CASES, ‘Angels come from Above’, and ‘Demons from Below’. It is only in our perverse times that we have invented Demons from Above (UFOs) while ignoring the obvious and revealed Truth. Ask yourself, why is it with all the evidence of Greys, your choice is to believe they came an impossible distance, or to deny their existence all together? Where is there NEVER the choice to follow the illustrated biology of this planet? Is this due to the deceptive nature of demons?

H.G. Wells, as I have mentioned before, was prescient beyond being an “Author of Fiction.” A current theme in science fiction today features Wells as a man with extraordinary knowledge through direct experience.

However, although we know time travel is possible (through “worm hole” technology) it is only feasible when a Time Traveler can voyage BACK to when the device was constructed. Thus we know Wells’ “Time Machine” novella was based upon something other than his direct experience.

In Wells’ “Time Machine”, the Morlocks are a demonic humanoid race which live underground, while the simple and docile Eloi exist above ground in a fabricated Garden of Eden. Essentially the Elio are raised like sheep for the consumption of the Morlocks. Sound familiar? Obviously this is not the “Distant Future” that Wells purports it to be. But perhaps he had extraordinary knowledge of the Past. Or Present?

OK people, this may be the thing we’ve all been waiting for. I STRONGLY encourage you to get to your nearest sporting good store and fortify your armament and load up on supplies. GUNS AND WATER, guys! I’m setting out sand bags in the yard and uncovering some of my hidden sniper holes in case it comes to a traditional battle. I don’t plan on sticking around here though, I have moved a supply of rations to my bug-out survival headquarters.

This could be “it”, and you heard it here first. I’m so excited, I pray this is what we’ve all been preparing for.

I’ve long speculated that because Earth holds the most easily accessible water supply in our solar system, that we’re a sitting target for thirsty aliens. When I said we needed to dye the oceans and major water supplies brown to camouflage them, everyone thought I was a cook (sp?)! So I have just kept my mouth shut except to those around me who are privy to my special escape plans and valuable knowledge of alien operations.

Well, it looks like I may have not been so “crazy” after all, and the invasion may have already begun.

An entire F’ING lake, 100 feet deep, has just disappeared and so-called “scientists” don’t know why!

ALIENS! That’s why, you idiots.

SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) — A five-acre glacial lake in Chile’s southern Andes has disappeared — and scientists want to know why.

Park rangers at Bernardo O’Higgins National Park said they found a 100-feet-deep crater in late May were the lake had been in March. Several large pieces of ice that used to float atop the water also were spotted.

“The lake had simply disappeared,” Juan Jose Romero, head of Chile’s National Forest Service in the southernmost region of Magallanes, said Wednesday. “No one knows what happened.”

If this all goes down before I post again, I’ll see you on the other side, folks. The battle has just begun, remember who you’re fighting for: America!

God bless.

This is an amazing story, though I must say I might have been compelled to cut the tree instead of my leg.

IOWA HILL, Calif. (AP) — Alone in the woods with his left leg pinned beneath a fallen tree for 11 hours, a 66-year-old man used pocket knives to cut off his limb below the knee to free himself, a neighbor and authorities said.

It’s important for us all to remember that when it comes to survival, sometimes it’s better to live without a part of your body than to not live at all. I have updated the “survival tips…” list to include some tips on using your own body as a survival resource.