In my life I strive for complete preparedness in every situation I encounter. Because of my Jedi realist training, I’m not content unless I am confident that I’ve thought through every eventuality and am thoroughly prepared for any possible outcome of every experience-at any time.

99% of this preparedness is mental, the other 11% is achieved through training and practice. The rest is just good luck and instinct…things that, by the grace of God, I have a surplus of.

Living such a well-prepared life might be difficult for most of you to imagine as being necessary at all, much less possible for someone like yourself. I’ve been doing it so long it’s second nature, but for those of you content to live your lives just waiting to be killed unexpectedly, the level of everyday perfection I’ve been able to accomplish must seem amazing and impossible. But if you have the ambition and desire to live a life of reactive perfection…it’s not only possible, it will probably save you or a loved one eventually.

On this blog I spend a lot of time talking about my beliefs in very non-actionable ways like “The gays could save the economy” well, that’s true as you now well know, but what does that mean when one of them tries to kill you?

Here I will give some very specific examples of seemingly small things you can do every day to begin to prepare yourself to be able to handle life’s unexpected dangers. Some of these probably belong in the survival tips section of the site, and I’ll likely add them there in the near future. For now, I’m only including seven items on this list, because while I’ll be teaching you everything you know about preparedness, it would take me a lifetime to teach you everything I know.

1. Sleep on the floor.
I never sleep in a bed. Neither should you. This luxury makes a person weak and ill-equipped to handle situations where comfortable accommodations may not be available. I began the practice because my undersized bladder makes it undesirable for me to sleep on any porous surface, but I assure you that once you’ve grown accustomed to sleeping on a floor, you will be well prepared to sleep anywhere.

2. Never wipe yourself (or allow others to wipe you).
Toilet tissue buffs and tenderizes the skin of the anus to the point where in a survival situation you wouldn’t be able to utilize natural materials like sand or bark to scrape clean. An additional benefit to wipe-avoidance is the lack of appeal your third eye will have to any potential sexual deviants who may attempt to take advantage of your poorly-surveilled backside.

3. Visualize killing everyone you meet.
The benefits to this behavior are obvious. When a cashier or member of your family eventually tries to kill you, you’ll be one step ahead and kill them first.

4. Drink poison regularly.
By ingesting small amounts of household cleaners and other deadly substances, your body will be prepared when the day comes that a coward, too afraid to face you like a man, tries to off you by tainting your food. After a heated Superbowl “discussion” with my wife some years ago she tried to poison me in my food. The joke was on her however as she didn’t know I had developed an immunity to the poison she had used. Later she stabbed me in my sleep as I slumbered on the floor, something I was not prepared to defend against at the time, but now am.

5. Never sleep around your loved ones.
They may try to stab you in your sleep.

6. Smash your head into things.
When I come home I open the front door with my chin. When I honk the horn in my van, I do it with my face. When I need to hammer a nail, I try to do it with my forehead before finishing the job with a hammer. This constant barrage of impact turns your head and face into a device that is not only capable of administering a painful blow to an opponent, but also allows you to take blunt-force trauma to the head with ease. This is a practice I learned after watching Muhammad Ali, who spent a successful career being ruthlessly pummeled until it no longer effected him.

7. Adhere a small tab of sandpaper inside your undergarments.
Over time this will desensitize your penis and allow you to last longer during sex. At first this can result in minor or major bleeding, so you should augment the sandpaper with a maxi pad.

Hopefully this set of tips will set you on the path to complete Jedi-realist preparedness.

As most of my fellow members of ASS (Amateur Spacer Society) will attest, as soon as the incident with bediapered astronaut, Lisa Nowak, occurred—I immediately said “Suicide Mission Candidate.”

Of course I was talking about our immediate need for American astronauts willing to sacrifice their lives for the greater good, primarily the good of science and exploration. It’s been clear from the beginning that our current technologies for space travel are inadequate to support round-trip missions to the deepest corners of our solar system. Manned missions to the outer reaches of our solar system are only possible if we don’t send enough fuel and materials for a return trip. The big question has always been: “Who would we send?”

We’ve always known it should be a woman astronaut, especially during this time of war when all able-bodied men need to stay Earth-side in the event they’re needed for the war effort—either in a traditional sense, or even to drop bombs from space—but our weak-stomached society of pansies can’t take the thought of sacrificing someone for science, or anything else. Well, I believe the choice has been made for us.

Who better to send on a one way-trip to the cosmos than someone who has proven her own inability to be a productive member of society AND has all the necessary qualifications as an astronaut? Lisa Nowak is not just a qualified candidate, she’s our only hope.

I proposed at an ASS meeting a few months ago that we impregnate Nowak and send her along on her mission. The impregnation would serve to not only keep her busy during the long flight, but also to possibly help ensure the propagation of our species on other planets…as long as she has twins and they also breed when they arrive.

There are some details to work out, but it looks like the process is starting sooner than I expected. Yesterday, Orange County Circuit Court Judge Marc Lubet paved the way for her exodus by ordering her cumbersome ankle-bracelet to be removed.

Today, Texas. Tomorrow, the universe.

Chuck Norris is, without question, the greatest living American blogger, if not the greatest American period! He can fight, he can write. His jeans are tight, and he’s always right. Say what you will about beefcake homos like Jean Claude or Segal—I don’t really care—but if you ever suggest Norris is anything short of brilliant—you and I have a serious problem.

In one of his most recent posts, Norris deftly explains the connections between hispanics (especially those who don’t speak English well), terrorist attacks on US soil (as well as their likely increase as a result of moving terror suspects to Kansas from Cuba), and the duty we owe to the families of the victims of 9/11 to send the illegals back where they came from.

Not one to simply throw out problems caused by liberals that are as simple to fix as immigration, he also lists his solutions. Well, they’re mostly Newt Gingrich’s solutions, but Chuck has conveniently listed them so they’re easy to read in one place. I suggest you go through his articles, and if you’re not already reading his site religiously, you should start.

In my house, when Chuck Norris comes on the television, we stand and solute. I would hope you start a similar tradition in your family, because, as Chuck quotes from the bible, “Like a dog that returns to its vomit [or feces] is a fool who repeats his folly.”

Don’t repeat your folly by returning to your vomit.

Fellow Jedi Knights,

By kicking me out, you shall make me more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Keep that in mind before you vote.

May the force be with you,

Speide Bahl

I’m almost never wrong about anything, as most of you know. But I’ve always said that when I was, I would step up and admit it. Now, I’m not wrong this time as all of the stuff that’s being mentioned here I’ve considered myself many times but chosen not to say anything about it…but since I didn’t make any of my thoughts clear on the matter, I thought I’d give credit where credit was due and repost the comments by Kiquer as a response to this thread, here for everyone to read:

Kiquer wrote:

There is not a threat of “Aliens from above” but rather from below. Man has known this for generations, and warnings have been encoded in our lexicon, from the Holy Bible to the works of H.G. Wells (who’s scientific discoveries were lightly veiled as fiction.)

It is a sign of dangerous times when we ignore the Demons Below, and instead cast our eyes skyward.

This lake was obviously pulled underground. Sub-Terrestrials normally have constant supply from underground rivers and lakes. But as Man continues to build water conservation projects, less rain will be available underground.

Expect to see more conflicts like this in the future.

He then wrote:

Kiquer wrote:

Mr. Bahl,

Why is the most obvious answer so frequently overlooked?

You yourself identified the core issue when you suggested camouflaging the major water supplies. Intellegent creatures don’t leave their precious resources out for anyone to grab. They hide them.

And then they hide with them.

A long time ago, Mesonychidae walked the surface of the Earth. The smarter of these mammals returned to the safety of the ocean. They became Dolphins. The dumb ones stayed on the surface and became Donkeys.

When Man reached sufficient intellegence he left the open grasslands for the safety of the Cave. And he didn’t come out until his weapons had sufficiently evolved.

Why is it hard to realize that another species of highly intellegent mammal also left the Earth’s surface. It made it’s home in the same place we put the President of the United States when we fear a nuclear attack. UNDERGROUND!

By mentioning your UFO research, you must be aquainted with the ever accumulating evidence regarding humanoid Greys. We know that UFOs exist, and yet curiously, when dirigibles became popular, most UFO sightings mentioned “Cigar shaped craft.” Later, when human airships became skinnned with aluminum, UFOs also took the form of aluminum covered saucers. As our technology progresses, so seemingly do the craft of the “Men from Outer Space.”

Now is it more likely that a race of extremely similar creatures - living LIGHT YEARS AWAY - just happen to match us step for step technically? Or is it more likely that the Greys have been here all along and are STEALING OUR TECHNOLOGY?

Greys abduct people, violate them anally, and then say they live an impossible distance away. Of course they do! Why is it that the only way to go where they live is to violate the Laws of Physics? Did the Good Book’s warning against the “Prince of Lies” fall upon deaf ears?

If we would only recognized that the source of trouble lies deep beneath our feet; perhaps we would band together and confront this common enemy.

Posted on 25-Jun-07 at 10:03 pm

And then this:

Kiquer wrote:

There are no philosophical tracts which espouse this so called “theory.” I am not sure why the scales have fallen from my eyes and not the eyes of others. But through the faculty of Reason, which God has granted to all Men, perhaps we can see the Truth and thus be saved.

If you want general thematic confirmation, consider comparative religious studies. IN ALL CASES, ‘Angels come from Above’, and ‘Demons from Below’. It is only in our perverse times that we have invented Demons from Above (UFOs) while ignoring the obvious and revealed Truth. Ask yourself, why is it with all the evidence of Greys, your choice is to believe they came an impossible distance, or to deny their existence all together? Where is there NEVER the choice to follow the illustrated biology of this planet? Is this due to the deceptive nature of demons?

H.G. Wells, as I have mentioned before, was prescient beyond being an “Author of Fiction.” A current theme in science fiction today features Wells as a man with extraordinary knowledge through direct experience.

However, although we know time travel is possible (through “worm hole” technology) it is only feasible when a Time Traveler can voyage BACK to when the device was constructed. Thus we know Wells’ “Time Machine” novella was based upon something other than his direct experience.

In Wells’ “Time Machine”, the Morlocks are a demonic humanoid race which live underground, while the simple and docile Eloi exist above ground in a fabricated Garden of Eden. Essentially the Elio are raised like sheep for the consumption of the Morlocks. Sound familiar? Obviously this is not the “Distant Future” that Wells purports it to be. But perhaps he had extraordinary knowledge of the Past. Or Present?

OK people, this may be the thing we’ve all been waiting for. I STRONGLY encourage you to get to your nearest sporting good store and fortify your armament and load up on supplies. GUNS AND WATER, guys! I’m setting out sand bags in the yard and uncovering some of my hidden sniper holes in case it comes to a traditional battle. I don’t plan on sticking around here though, I have moved a supply of rations to my bug-out survival headquarters.

This could be “it”, and you heard it here first. I’m so excited, I pray this is what we’ve all been preparing for.

I’ve long speculated that because Earth holds the most easily accessible water supply in our solar system, that we’re a sitting target for thirsty aliens. When I said we needed to dye the oceans and major water supplies brown to camouflage them, everyone thought I was a cook (sp?)! So I have just kept my mouth shut except to those around me who are privy to my special escape plans and valuable knowledge of alien operations.

Well, it looks like I may have not been so “crazy” after all, and the invasion may have already begun.

An entire F’ING lake, 100 feet deep, has just disappeared and so-called “scientists” don’t know why!

ALIENS! That’s why, you idiots.

SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) — A five-acre glacial lake in Chile’s southern Andes has disappeared — and scientists want to know why.

Park rangers at Bernardo O’Higgins National Park said they found a 100-feet-deep crater in late May were the lake had been in March. Several large pieces of ice that used to float atop the water also were spotted.

“The lake had simply disappeared,” Juan Jose Romero, head of Chile’s National Forest Service in the southernmost region of Magallanes, said Wednesday. “No one knows what happened.”

If this all goes down before I post again, I’ll see you on the other side, folks. The battle has just begun, remember who you’re fighting for: America!

God bless.

I don’t have a lot of time to write today, so I’m going to post a short story I wrote elsewhere about an experience I had that I think about every day.

I grew up in communist Russia. During my teens, I was dating a girl who worked in a factory that made napkins. In the town that I lived in growing up, there were really only a few places the adults could work, and even fewer places for the youth to work. It was very rare in most of the country for family members to work together, but my girlfriend and her mother worked side-by-side making napkins. She and her mother were often called “the twins” since they looked so similar. I won’t lie when I say that during those years of “change” I felt somewhat attracted to both of them. I feel guilt about it to this day, but can’t logically accept responsibility for teenage fantasy.

The time I was actually able to spend with my girlfriend was very brief. We both had family responsibilities and our jobs required our attention as well. The little time we had together we did what most teenagers in love do, I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate much for you to understand we made love.

We “dated” (though the idea of dating is different in a communist society, it’s referred to as “courting”, which is just spending time together) for a few years. I came home from work one day and knew something was wrong. My aunt and uncle, who I lived with, were acting very strangely. I asked them what was wrong and they just told me to do my chores. Once my chores were done, I asked permission to go meet my girlfriend. That’s when they told me that she had been killed in a fire at the napkin plant, with her mother.

In that culture it would have been considered a sign of weakness to show emotion. I was forced to put on a happy face and continue about my routine. A little piece of me died in that fire though, the two women I was most attracted to were both killed.

Years later when I came to the United States, I tried very hard to put my past behind me. Society here encourages us to live our emotions, so it was very difficult for me to forget what had happened. Eventually I began dating again and met a special girl, who is now my wife. Even though we liked each other a lot I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was somehow “cheating” on my true loves by moving on and getting married. When I told my wife how I felt, she became very upset. I explained to her that I couldn’t control my feelings about the women I’d lost in the fire and she was lucky I told her anyway, since it’s really none of her business how I feel. Eventually we just agreed not to talk about it.

The thoughts and smells of that day haunt me still, but one event allowed me to move forward and know that the two women who I’d loved so much had forgiven me for leaving Russia, and then, and encouraged me to move on with only the fond memories of our short time together. The event I’m referring to happened at my wedding. I almost called the whole thing off because I’d been fighting with my fiance for days before when I told her that even though I loved her, I’d always love the women who died in Russia even more. We decided that since everything was paid for and the guests had already arranged to come, we’d go through with the wedding, but probably just get a divorce later that day (we ended up staying married).

At the wedding something amazing happened. As we said our vows, I heard a commotion behind me and turned to see that a small fire had occurred on one of the picnic tables. It was quickly extinguished, but after the ceremony I went over to see what had happened. A stack of napkins had been placed too close to a candle and had ignited. The entire stack of napkins had burned, something my mother in law said shouldn’t happen as most napkins are flame retardant. I remembered back to the napkin factory fire and was reminded of yet another difference between our two countries. In Russia, the napkins aren’t flame retarded like they are here. It made me sad for awhile, but then I started to think about it.

I’d kept a few love-notes that my dead girlfriend had written me while she was working. I took one of the napkins from our wedding and discovered the embossing patterns were identical. I contacted the wedding planner and asked them where they got the napkins, after a few phone calls I discovered that the napkins were purchased from a distributor in China…but they were made in the same Russian town I grew up in.

Once I found this out I broke down crying (well, I doubt I actually wept, but I was very emotional). It seemed like everything had come full circle, the harmless fire at my wedding had been a message from my girlfriend and her mother that it was OK that I put my past in the past and move forward with my life.

To this day I wish I would have ended up with my old girlfriend or her mother, but I know that they’re both watching over me and protecting me. I am sure I’ll see them again, but until then I’m going to stay focused on my time here on Earth with the wife I ended up with and make the best of it.

Nobody can deny the amazing spiritual and paranormal gifts possessed by world-renowned psychic and medium, Sylvia Browne. She can talk to the dead, she can see into the past, she can foresee the future—she’s even seen Heaven itself. She is probably the most amazing person ever to be born on this Earth besides Jesus Christ and possibly Dale Earnhardt. One need only tune into the Montel Williams Show any Wednesday afternoon to see proof of that.

Despite her greatness on television, many of you still don’t know the full extent of her teachings. Browne has penned numerous books and is the founder of The Society of Novus Spiritus, a Gnostic Christian organization that tries to follow the same philosophies that Jesus himself did.

One of the most wonderful things about Sylvia’s teachings, other than her precise descriptions of heaven, angels, and the spirit world’s intricacies, is that she focuses on love and the white light of peace and harmony. The more I found out about her and her church, the more I knew it would mesh seamlessly with my own Jediism and Evangelical Christianity. I’ve always felt that one can’t have to many synchronous faiths, (so long as none of them are Judaic derivatives), and this one would fit nicely into my collection.

After learning more about some of her philosophies, I decided I would like to meet some of her followers. A quick Google search led me to an online forum run by Sylvia’s son’s girlfriend and endorsed by Sylvia herself, the Go Silvia Brown message board. I quickly signed up and jumped in to the fascinating conversations with some amazing people (or so I thought).

At first I was amazed by how open and loving the members of this community were. It reminded me very much of my experiences in the Jedi realist communities. Everyone was very supportive and very loving. I opened up my soul and shared like I haven’t shared in years. I told some stories of my past, my validations, divulged that my spiritual totem was the noble platypus, and explained some of the things that led me to Sylvia and her fan site.

The love fest didn’t last long though. Like with most aging hippies, their anger, contempt, and genuine hatred of others fueled the fire that quickly devoured any love and understanding they’d previously shown me. For the short time I participated on their forums, I endured a well-coordinated gang rape of my ideas. They attacked my Jedi beliefs, my heritage, even the way I spoke. Clearly the message of love had been forgotten and in its place was a mob dedicated only to my virtual destruction.

The emotional brutality I experienced at the hands of these so-called peaceful people became unbearable. Eventually I gave up hope of fitting in with this group and gave up completely. Though I did meet some nice people there, there are truly some dark souls who follow this wonderful woman’s teachings. They will all be in my prayers of course, but if you’re interested in finding out more about Sylvia Browne and her amazing gifts I’d encourage you to focus on the woman herself and stay clear of her ruthless, blood-sucking fans.

Update: It turns out some of the people on the site were not true Sylvia fans, but bored Skeptics looking to cause trouble. In finding this out, the administrator of the site took action to see that these people weren’t allowed to post anymore. Unfortunately, she elected to “promote” two of the least-loving, most-angry users on the site to help her. These two individuals followed me around mercilessly poking fun at me, usually for being a Jedi.

Update #2: They banned me from participating in the forums. I believe they did this because I am a practicing Jedi.

Yesterday I mentioned one of the pitfalls of being very intelligent. Another frustration I have almost daily is that my brain works harder than my body. I’m physically unable to execute all of the brilliant ideas that my mind is continuously generating. With most ideas I just realize that I have to prioritize and get out what I can. When it comes to business ideas though, those lost ideas translate directly to dollars.

For those who have difficulty thinking of their own business ideas, I’m going to be presenting some of mine here for you to use. If they become enormously successful, I can’t promise that I won’t sue you, but you can be assured you’ll have enough money to defend yourself legally, or pay me some type of licensing fee.

Please enjoy idea #1: Electromagnet Therapy.

I was musing earlier today about the many benefits of wearing therapeutic magnet jewelry. It’s hard to deny the positive results that doctors have witnessed in those who wear magnets, but for those of us who have enjoyed these benefits for years—we also know there is a downside. I guess it would be unreasonable to think something that provides such wonderful healing properties wouldn’t have a few side effects—or affects, I really don’t know which is correct.

While I was still in school I would routinely erase my floppy disks while carrying them between classes. Today, though I still use floppies for their various security advantages, I’m forced to remove my accessories while handling them to avoid recreating those same problems I endured during my school years. Likewise, I’ve found that several times the magnetic strips on my many credit cards have inexplicably become deactivated. For years I thought it was the result of solar flares, but I’ve since deduced it was probably my magnet-emblazoned belt buckle. It’s been good for my libido, but bad for credit.

Perhaps worse than anything is how quickly the bandage-colored elastic on my bracelets becomes soiled while I’m excavating an archaeological site, or planting herbs in my window box garden. The iron in the soil is attracted to the magnet, and once it’s attached to my wrist it’s very difficult to remove. I’ve often though, “if only there were some way I could turn off this magnet and brush away the metallic residue, and then turn the magnet back on. If I were able to do this I wouldn’t have to face the embarrassment of going through my day with a wrist covered with dirt.” I’ve taken to having a set of work magnets and dress magnets. This can get expensive when you consider that just a simple set of magnetic bracelets is almost $14.00.

That’s when business idea #1 came to me. Electromagnetic jewelry.

By creating a network of wires that traveled through your clothes from a powerpack to the various magnetically sensitive regions of the body, you could have all the benefits of magnet therapy with the convenience of briefly disabling the magnetic field.

Good luck with this idea. If you do build a prototype, or go into production with this device, I’d be very interested in hearing from you.

First off, France opened up all of their secret UFO files and then their web site crashed. I’ve been in contact with French authorities and recommended that they carefully scrutinize the cause of their system failure. It’s possible that forces are at work that do not wish for this information to be made public. I won’t speculate as to whether or not those “forces” are terrestrial in nature until we have more information.

I will say I’m a bit displeased at the time it took them to release the information. I had already blogged about this back in December. I’m guessing they may have had more to hide than I originally suspected.

As if that wasn’t enough to focus on, former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington came forward with his credible reports that he witnessed a UFO back in 1997. I took at look at some of his comments and while he didn’t claim that any abduction took place, I can tell he’s hiding something. As many of you know, I have a tale to tell when it comes to alien abduction. In the coming weeks, once the media firestorm surrounding Symington’s announcement calms a bit, I’ll be in contact with him directly to see if he’s willing to confide in me. Sometimes trauma survivors can talk to each other better than they can talk to anyone else.

Now, all of that is pretty big. But the most disturbing UFO-related event to happen this week is the mysterious death of Bob Taylor. Bob Taylor was the man focussed on during the only UFO police investigation to ever take place in Britain. I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about this story soon.